Confessions of an ABDL

Chasing windmills

2012-01-29T19:38:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone, I know it's been a while however I thought I'd cross post this from another site I'm on as it rings true for many of us.

I have friends, acquaintances and exes and throughout it all I feel as though I am alone in this life. The fact that no two people will ever think, act or do exactly the same thing is part of what makes this universe a beautiful place however it is frustrating when you surround yourself with people who only partially get you. there isn't anyone I can truly be myself or for the matter truly discover myself with, I am always playing the part needed for the occasion. Such is the burden of being a switch, making time for all but your self. I dare not cry victim as at the end of the day I hold my own fate in my hands, however it is my good nature that is my own undoing. I enjoy helping others in the good times and the bad and this is what often leaves be burnt out, broken and bitter. It is rough having to always be strong, to have to be a leader even if none will follow. It sucks having nobody you can be weak with or none whom can be strong for you. This is what a relationship should be, strengthening each others weaknesses and rejoicing in each others presence and yet so many become so bitter and jaded that relationships become a self centered mess. I have walked into this mess three times now and finally can consider myself a bit wiser if not jaded for the experience. I still am the strength or backbone for so many of my friends and the funny thing is I don't think they realize this fact either. It is a blessing to be able to endure such a burden, however it is not one that can be or should be carried alone. I know my kindred spirit is out there somewhere. I have met many counterfeits as well as made many friends, however I long for my other half, the yin to my yang if you so bid me the analogy. I treasure many of my friends, however it is disheartening to always be the one people pull on and yet not have that person I fall back on in return. Of course being in the situation I always end up being in, I understand that all things have to reciprocate if any relationship is going to work. Life is a complex journey and many obstacles and distractions will get in the way, friends are an important asset but none can understand you and none can endure for you like a kindred spirit. Maybe I'm just an old fashioned, romantic who lives in a delusional world that doesn't exist. That being said, like don Quixote I will keep chasing those windmills.

I'm not dead yet...

2012-01-19T00:46:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, after a bit of a break from posting I just wanted to give a quick update and say that I'm not dead yet and neither is the blog. I'm still pondering what approach to take and may convert to a wordpress account. I will get more posts going in the near future(i.e. a week)

formspring.me

2011-10-09T23:50:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Diaperedcat

Falcon Punched!

2011-07-11T13:54:00.004-04:00

Good afternoon everyone,
I just wanted to do a quick post as I am under the weather right now and feel like I have been punched inside my head. I caught a nice summer cold/flu and it's kicking my butt. It is times like these when I feel the most little and really wish I had someone to turn to. My head feels like it's in a vice and everything aches, this sucks. Times like this are only good for curling up in a diaper and a stuffed animal and just sleeping the sickness away. I managed to soak an abena pretty well this morning and when I finally could muster the where-with-all to get out of bed i changed because the thing was so damn heavy. I really wish I had a mommy or even a daddy right now to make some toast and soup and to curl up with while watching some cartoons. Instead I have to deal with a roommate who spends more energy avoiding responsibility than ti would take to just pick up after herself. Such is the joy of roommates though, right? ;)

Times like this are when you feel the most alone and it is nice to see that at least for some, things have gone they way they wanted. I'm not bitter as I know relationships are like growing a garden; "You have to dig through a lot of shit in order to grow something good." I just wish I had someone around right now and times like this make me appreciate the lifestyle more.

I haven't quite figured out how to set up the podcast yet and if anyone has any suggestions, I am open to it. I am aiming for free or really cheap to start and hoping to evolve the site into something more down the road. Well to my blogger friends, my fetlife friends and everyone else I wish you all a good day.

Things keep on rolling

2011-07-02T02:58:00.002-04:00

Hello my fellow abdls, diaper lovers ans age players,
I just wanted to give you all a quick update of what's going on. I had a bit of a computer issue that I believe is finally resolved so my posts should be a bit more frequent. I am also happy to report that I plan on having the new site and podcasts up and running by mid July. On that note, if you have any suggestions for topics, let me know. I figured for today I'd just share a couple thoughts I have.

I decided to see a therapist a month or two ago and so far things have been good, however I often wonder what he is honestly writing in his notebook? I've been going namely due to stress and have worked on being more assertive and it's been pretty enlightening. I have discovered base character traits that my past has established that are in direct correlation to my needs as an abdl. I still have no clue why I like diapers, however in the course of my discussions with my therapist I have discovered that my dealings with authority figures in my life, I am looking for a 'safe' person to be around. I mentioned I have quirks, however he hasn't pushed it and I have no intention of bringing up my kinks unless he asks. It has been an interesting experience thus far and I am curious to see where it all leads. I always looked at going to therapy as a sign that I failed, however it has given me a somewhat deeper understanding of myself and has helped a bit. i don't feel like I have quite gotten far, however I've been able to apply some tactics I've learned to help with things. More importantly, the therapy has helped me solidify that being an ABDL isn't crazy and for many there are legit reasons for it. I still don't know how I am going to approach telling a significant other about this, however, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've also gotten a chance to get my hands on some ABU cushies recently. I haven't had much luck with them. they leak from the crotch area constantly. I think the problem is I got the larges. I don't have much of an ass so diapers fit weird. I want to try them again in mediums when the time comes to order more. I miss bambinos, however I'm put off by their lack-luster quality control. The cushies are ugly as sin, however I really want the BMX ones when they launch. In my opinion, little boy diapers should have dinosaurs or something on them.

Speaking of little boys, I have gotten zero little time since NELICON and it's depressing. I was supposed to have a daddy; which is awkward enough for a straight guy, however, he hasn't been around at all. It's not entirely his fault as he works as an E.R. doctor. I don't think we're ever going to have daddy/little time so I'm open to other arrangements. I'd prefer to find a mommy/switch to play with, however I haven't found any prospects on the meat market. I don't really understand why it is so damn hard to make this work. I can't even find a guy who isn't a flake right now. I look like a perfect twink so you'd think I'd at least have that working for me...n second thought, that might be a good thing that I'm under the radar right now. It took all of thirty seconds on RUPADDED to get hit on, lol.
I did get a stuffed armadillo plushy recently and I adore him. i named him 'Tank' on account of him being a walking piece of armor. I have both the triceratops and armadillo curled up with me at night now; the poor cat gets so damn jealous.

Well I think that's it for now folks. I have a lot of things I can talk about, however I like to keep these brief...no pun intended. As I type, I am waiting for my new install of RIFT to finish. Take care everyone and enjoy the summer and stay diapered!

A couple of thoughts

2011-05-22T12:38:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone,
I know I haven't been writing as much this calendar year, however much of this is due to my gradual progression to a podcats and maybe at some point a video cast. I plan on buying and running a website to host pictures, writings and a couple different podcvats. Obviously one will be abdl related and the other will be more of a rant on things off-topic. That being said I hope to have some funds put aside for a sound board and a website by late june or july at the latest. I figured I would share a couple of thoughts on things I have observed recently.

The first thing I want to bring up is the episode of Taboo on Discovery that aired recently regarding the ABDL lifestyle. I for one am sick of how the media portrays every group of people in society. They through christians under the bus and label us all as homophobic rednecks, same with gun owners, as well as portraying all gay men as infeminite queens and now two separate television series have taken it upon themselves to find the utmost useless people to portray on behalf of our community. I am referring to again, taboo and of course Sexcetera.

Now before I begin, I don't have anything against either individual on these shows as I am sure they are fun people to be around, however they both portray a negative stereotype that pisses me off/. I do not like how these shows pick people who are morbidly obese and pass this off as how we all look. I have no problem with fat folks, however when you are in a scooter because you are a fat ass and not because of an actual medical condition, you piss me off as a human being. the same goes for the guy on taboo, he is able to work, makes his own furniture and yeah this fat cod is on welfare and costing his fellow citizens money so he can be an oversized butterball of a baby 24/7. That pisses me off beyond measure as based on my twitter followers, many of you in the community agree. i am not against the 24/7 lifestyle, I find the this lifestyle to be both sexual and nonsexual so I enjoy having little time and I enjoy being an adult. I understand where the two camps are cming from with their school of thought. My issue with this individual is from the standpoint that his fetish and inturn the public perception of our fetish/lifestyle is one that advocates and imposes itself upon his local community of being a burden and a hindrance. He does not work, does not pay taxes, does not contribute to society. I am okay with that, permitted that the 'care giver' is able to support you financially. i have a problem with anyone in the community who feels they have the right to contribute nothing and be a burden so they can be a 'baby' all the time. If you have a legit medical reason for not working, I am okay with that, however disguising your own slovenliness behind a fetish/lifestyle is not acceptable. If nothing else, he was quite good at furniture making and for that alone he should be working in some capacity.

Continiuing on this topic, I am tired of all men being portrayed as overweight and middle aged losers who live home with their parents. Again, I am okay with fat, I have a bit of a belly however I am not overweight and make a conscious effort to look my best and work with what the good lord has given me. Based on all the responses I get on diaperspace and rupadded, I can't be all that hideous. Unfortunately I look like a twink, lol. (On a side note, I have some pics I need to retrieve from nelicon where I'm wearing these overalls that make me look adorable. I know for a fact that there are quite a few good looking men and gorgeous women in the ABDL community and yet it is never the relatively normal ones that get on television. It bothers me that when my sister finally opened up to me that she knew I liked diapers her only experience was the show sexcetera. I had to diffuse that perception rather quickly. I am an AB, however I have no desire to sit in my own stool all day at a camp and be waited on, well at least not on a permanent basis. I am able to balance my little needs and my adult needs. At this stage in my life, neither are really being met but I grasp both sides of them. I even know a young girl who is a baby 24/7 in Pennsylvania and her daddy/boyfriend is able to do this because of a high paying career. I am all for being little when home with mommy or even doing the switch thing with my significant other, however the perception that is made of the community by these dreadful misrepresentations is embarrassing and makes me ashamed to be an ABDL.

Now I have one other issue to bring up and this will be short as I'm sure this will make many uncomfortable, however it is just my opinion. I do not like the idea of people selling or paying for sitter services. To me it cheapens the whole concept of the lifestyle. I am okay with the videos people make as folks like Pampered Penny and Riley kilo do really well with this and I appreciate each for their own unique perspective on the lifestyle. I have met Riley Kilo in person and she is an absolute sweetheart and pleasure to hang out with.

I am not big into porn due to my faith and what little I have watched of abdl porn has made me laugh more than it has made me aroused. With lines like, "I have made caca in my diapey", who wouldn't crack up laughing. The acting is bad and the plots are so superfluous that it is amusing. Abdl porn tends to be the mst3k quality, although I find furry porn and looner porn to be worse. Albeit, a chick in a nekko mimi or a fox/wolf tail is unbelievably hot to me.

I understand that many of us cannot find a mommy or a daddy and thus paid services come in handy. I don't fault anyone who uses a service or one who offers it; I just don't like the idea of paying for something that is a tad more sacred/special to me. I also would never consider a prostitute, so this ideology is consistent in my life. Now I don't mind the exchanging of gifts or mutual services in return for said play.(isn't this how dating works?) I've met a couple professional mommies while at nelicon and I felt as though they were very cold and distant. This could just be due to the nature of the convention and they not trying to get attached to anyone. In my opinion there has to be some kind of connection or bond there for me to enjoy or even engage in a play session. Don't get me wrong, I could be completely incorrect in my assertion here and if I were in a session I may have the time of my life. It's just I find the concept of paying for it cheapens the experience. Again that's just me, I don't have a gripe against those that do pay for it, nor do I think they're wrong, I just feel it cheapens the experience. Who knows, maybe some day I'll be in your shoes and paying for it and having the time of my life, I just don't see myself doing so anytime soon. I rather find love the right way and I am willing to hold out until I find the right woman. I'll play with daddies and mommies as they come as I am cool with either role for little time, however sexually, I'm just not a fan of sausage, more of a fan of cabbage.

Anyways, that's just a couple thoughts I have, not really planned out anything in particular today for my blog, I just wanted to writ4e something for my readers. again I apologize for the light material this year but please hang around, I am planning something big sometime soon.

Update

2011-03-29T15:42:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to give a quick update that this blog is not abandoned, rather it is being reworked into a much more intuitive format. As soon as i have some change a sound board and a mic are coming and the cat himself will be turning this into a pod cast. I hope to see some of yall in jersey in april at nelicon and for now, I'll post something new soon.

Take care and stay pampered!

Adventures with daddy and the holiday season.

2010-12-19T12:21:00.005-05:00

Hello everyone and Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, Merry Yule and happy whatever else there is to celebrate this time of the year. Things have been interesting in the last month. I've gotten to have time with daddy once and I did have fun. the only frustrating thing is to be a budding little and having daddy or mommy too busy to spend time with you. For many it's your original childhood all over again. I thought I would start with how our first meeting went and see where this blog heads.

Well I was able to meet up with daddy over a month ago and I for the most part enjoyed myself. It was very interesting trying to let my little side out around someone I didn't know all that well yet, let alone have another guy see me naked.(okay even now that is making my head hurt). I thought daddy did pretty good at breaking the ice and getting both of us in the proper head space. Due to distance and time restraints we hung out at a hotel, which cheapened the experience, however at least we got to see how we work together.

We started out doing a diaper check, which was fun, I think once we got past that, things got easier for me to get into the proper head space. I wasn't feeling all that well that day so most of the time we ended up just snuggling and I fell asleep a couple of times. I never thought I could ever let my guard down enough to do that, however being able to do so was refreshing. Daddy went with everything very well, he even got in the act, deciding to take my temperature. Let's just say I know what a turkey in the oven feels like. The ironic thing was some two weeks prior to this I swore up and down on fetlife that I'd never take a rectal thermometer. IRONY!!!!! For most of the day we just snuggled up and daddy put on some cartoons, at that point my brain checked out and I was in complete little mode.

We just hung out all day, until his phone rang and of course he was called into work early. Unfortunately our day together got cut short by a few hours. Daddy did a diaper change and then we went to Wendy's for lunch before parting ways. His job sucks and is a problem when it comes to us getting together. I'm proud of daddy since he is a doctor however he works in an emergency room. He gets stuck working long shifts and gets called in constantly. I don't get to talk to him much online anymore since people tend to go insane during the holiday season. I wanted to get together with him before the holiday and it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I spend months frustrated out of my mind trying to find an outlet for my little side, I finally find somebody and he's never around. Why is everything in our community so dang hard? *sigh* I just want a little bit of time(no pun intended)each month to let this part of me out and to alleviate all this stress. I just want to hang out with daddy, or if things don't work out with my little one, a mommy and just have a good time together. Alas, such is my life; one obstacle after another. I am trying to be patient and just keep hoping that daddy doesn't flake out on me. I know he enjoys what he does and he has expressed his own frustration over his schedule.

It's strange as my biological parents are going away for the holidays and ddaddy is going away, I feel a little like I've been abandoned for the season. Obviously I'm an adult and for the most part enjoy solitude, however it is weird not having my family around for the holidays. Oh well, I am spending it with my neurotic little one and her head-mates.(bashes skull against wall) Everything should be fine, I have a munch in Jersey in January and one I want to get going soon here in Connecticut soon as well. I may be ending 2010 a bit alone, however I shall ring in 2011 with all my diapered friends and family.

I thought about having a rant over recent behaviors and mannerisms that I've dealt with from the community recently. Since it is Christmas and this is the season to be jolly I thought I'd be nice and maybe save it for next month. On that note, to all my fellow ABDL's, have a happy and safe holiday season. Cuddle up with your little ones, drink some hot cocoa, hang some mistle toe and stay out of daddy's 'special' eggnog. I'm done for now and think I'm going to watch a little bit of Pingu and try to relax.

Oh and to all the good little boys and girls, I hope Santa brings you everything you want.:)To the bigs, thank you all for being patient with your little ones and I hope you are having a blessed holiday season with your littles.

Snap shot of my little world.

2010-11-13T09:33:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone,
I just wanted to pop in with a quick update to my little world and let you know that a nice big blog or two is coming soon. I promise to do my best to proide at least one new post a month and try for two. Well let me give all of you a snap shot of some of the positive changes thus far.

Well I finally found steady work after a grueling interview process within a major company. I'm going to be working more customer service to start(shoot me)however in a year I should be able to move around quickly within the corporation. This means I might have someone else pay for me to get the heck out of Connecticut. The interview process was grueling, two phone interviews, one face to face interrogation and one assessment. the pay is pretty good, the company has great benefits and the opportunity to advance is there so for the first time in a long time I don't hate my job...yet.

On another note I think I found my diaper for if/when I go 24/7. I had a chance and a couple bucks to order a sample of the Active Ultra Diapers and for the abdl who isn't quite comfortable with the messy cleanup, these are great. They have little Velcro tabs on the end of the tapes and a landing zone designed to hold it. the diapers aren't perfect and I do worry that they will just fall apart, i.e. Velcro tab rip off, however the tabs seem to hold quite well. The only problem is they aren't cheap but bambinos aren't either. Unless someone else is changing me I don't really like messing in a diaper as it is quite messy.(Who would have thunk,right?)

One last little tidbit of information for my readers is that I finally found a DADDY!!!! I am both nervous and absolutely stoked. He is a very nice guy and so far we've hit off quite well. We haven't had time to really do any daddy/babby stuff however I'm hoping to do a little today...:)

On that note we're done for now, I'll write a bit more about how I met daddy and how things are going. I just wanted to touch base with my readers and say hello. Take care for now everyone, stay diapered and happy.

The bear, the perv and the undefineable..or...finding that special someone in the community. Part 2

2010-10-01T10:58:00.002-04:00

Hello again and now for the second half of my thoughts for this month. This part will be much shorter and hopefully more lighthearted, yet serious. We all have met the infamous HNG. For those of you who don't know, this is short for Horny Net Geek. These are the people who ruin every chat room or thread on any dating/fetish site. Each community has their own and in the world of Diapers we have a ton of them. I'd like to use this blog as a public service announcement of sorts to all my misguided brethren. Stop being a pathetic loser!

We all know these types of people, you're in IRC, AIM, YIM or some other chat format and suddenly you get a new person who joins the chat and half the room leaves. You are still there wondering what just happened and then it begins. the first post is usually asking for your age, sex and location. This is harmless enough as we do live in the world of dateline. Then the questions and comments get gradually creepier. My personal favorites are the sudden jump from "Are you diapered?" to "Are you hard?" then to "Can I watch you masturbate?". Seriously, it's like a bad jump cut in a movie. My usual response is "I don't know you." or if I'm in a little mood I'll pop back out of private chat and Type "I NEED AN ADULT!" The approach may change but the same creepiness is always ever prevalent.

I have a fun one involving a young ABDL over on diaperspace. He is constantly sending me a message looking for someone to be daddy/mommy/who knows what for him. I had to contact this poor kid originally because he was harassing my little one on the site and he wouldn't leave her alone. I basically said to back off and he did, however now he is looking for a playmate. the kid is young and I don't mind trying to mold him into a decent human being and someone who we as a community need not be ashamed of. Of course he is flighty and a fake so he has bailed on the idea of meeting in public, despite initiating the idea originally. Actually he wanted to hang out at my apartment, however I'm not an idiot so I suggested the mall. My personal favorite with this kid is when he asked if I could change him and spank him while were at the mall. I politely stated that I don't know him and I'm not a DOM. Hell, I'm not even sure what possessed him to even ask that question to a total stranger?

On that note, I decided that maybe all the HNG's need is a short list of what is and what isn't acceptable to say or show to a stranger. Maybe with some help from us guys who aren't complete morons, maybe the ladies in the community will return in greater numbers.

Questions that are okay to ask in any of their various iterations:
1.) Hello and how are you today?
2.) Are you male or female and how old if I may ask?
3.) Do you wear diapers for need, fun or both?
4.) What is your preferred brand or style of diaper?
5.) What other baby toys/supplies do you have?
6.) Do you have a mommy or daddy of your own?
7.) Do you wet or mess or both?-borderline but acceptable
8.) Tell me about yourself.
You see questions where you are asking basic information and not requesting a service from the individuals is quite okay.

Now here are some questions to avoid, which all have been asked of me:
1.) Do you have webcam?
2.) Do you cum in your diaper?
3.) Do you and your little have sex in diapers
4.) Any question involving the exchange of urine or scat
5.) Don't ask about arousal from scat
6.) Can I watch you masturbate?
7.) Can we roleplay so I can masturbate?
In fact, it's just a generally accepted rule that you don't ask total strangers any questions about masturbating. These aren't questions that you ask of someone you don't have any type of report with.

The other issue I see that reflects poorly on the community are people who insists on showing everyone crotch shots or close ups of their penis. there isn't a women or guy anywhere who is going to sleep with you simply by seeing a shot of your penis. There's an even greater chance of not ever finding someone if your profile picture is of your hairy, beer belly. Could we have a little bit of class in our community. i know many are afraid of being outed, however logically if one person is to out you, they would have to out themselves. The abdl community should not look like still frames from chat roulette.

My final thought today is why does everyone take the phrase "I'm not gay" as a challenge. I'm not saying that to you to make you want me more. Trust I'm flattered and sometimes think about it, however at the end of the day, the male anatomy is gross to me. I am an attention whore and enjoy the attention so if you wish to try to woo me, be my guest, it's just not going to happen. I can be friends, however I'm not going to jerk off for you or send you diapered pics to jerk off to. You can /rub my cock, all you want however you're on your own. I don't mean to pick on the perverted gay guys as there are enough straight dudes who have ironically tried the same thing with me as well. not sure how that works, however they have tried.

There ya have it folks, we are an awesome community, however the past couple weeks have made me ever so disgusted by our own and I figured it was time to say something. I just want the ladies in the community, whether dom or sub to know that there are many of us who are gentlemen and understand how to talk to you without being a pig. Everyone I hope you read both blogs, the more serious one and this one is intended to be a bit more lighthearted. Have a good month if I don't write again, see you in November.

The bear, the perv and the undefineable..or...finding that special someone in the community. Part 1

2010-10-01T10:26:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone, it's now officially October and I figured it's time for a new blog post. I was trying to come up with a witty title and a play on C.S. Lewis' "The lion, the witch and the wardrobe" seemed like a fun idea. I have decided to tackle two topics this month. One message will be related to the crazy people you meet online...you know who I'm talking about. The other is going to be about my disastrous romp through the pleasure of finding a mommy or daddy of my own. I'll go into detail on this one first.

I am an ABDL switch, though as a person I'm too laid back to really be a DOM. If I was to be stuck in one role, I rather it be as a little and not the big. I am in a relationship with a little one who lacks any domineering qualities, other than being a whiny, manipulative pain in the ass. that being said I do love her and am trying to do things outside our relationship in order to salvage it. I enjoy playing daddy, however my little side is being completely neglected and if I don't something about it, our relationship is going to end ugly. I decided with her approval to seek out a mommy for the two of us, however the community being what it is and I being the bear bait that I am, I decided to add a daddy to the equation as well.

To no surprise I had an individual approach me on diaperspace offering his services as daddy for me. He is a bear(big gay guy) and has expressed interest in me in the past and understood that I'm not gay. On a side note, why the hell does everyone in the community take "I'm not gay" as a challenge and not a statement?(who knows, maybe I'm wrong?). We decided to meet at a local starbucks first to discuss the arrangement, as I still have a few hang ups being cuddly and emotional around other guys. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my biological father, hell the only time we really see eye to eye is when my mother says something stupid and we laugh. We ended up with having two failed attempts at meeting up at starbucks.

Next approach we took was to meet at his place. Albeit probably asking to get harmed but I know how to use a weapon if needed so I'm not worried. The first time we were to hang out and do a dry run of the baby/daddy thing he bailed last minute and again Wednesday we were supposed to hang out. After driving 45 minutes to get to his place I arrive only to discover that it's an apartment complex. I have no phone number for him and the only way to contact him was via diaperspace. At this time diaperspace was having server problems and I couldn't connect to it long enough to send a message. I gave up using the dialer at the apartment after the third incorrect person so I left. I was extremely pissed off as something I've wanted for such a long time was right within my grasp yet slipped through my fingers.

I managed to slip into quite the depressive state the whole ride home, the likes I haven't felt since middle.high school. I was driving probably about 105 on the highway and just screaming obscenities. I sent my girlfriend a text saying what happened and that I was just about ready to abandon the community and her infinite words of wisdom were "but I need my daddy". Yeah, she's always a beacon of support. in her defense she lost a friend of five years earlier in the day due to a squabble over her being a multiple. I got home from the ordeal and managed to crawl upstairs and collapsed on my bed and proceeded to ball my eyes out for a good ten minutes. I haven't cried in quite a while, usually because I can't. Everything in my life always seems to be just out of reach. the job I want, the relationship I want, everything. The day falling apart was just a big reminder of why I don't trust people in the first place and just fosters the same damn desires I have that drove me to infantilism in the first place. I know it sounds insane, it just would be nice to find someone who gave a fuck about more than just themselves for once.

Well that was my disastrous two week adventure into getting screwed over yet again and albeit everything may have been pure happenstance, I'm still bummed out and growing rather frustrated by the whole ordeal. I have a few abdl friends I talk to off site and they have been pretty supportive about the whole thing. I'm just tired and burnt out and really just want something to work out just once in my life. I'm not going to stay bummed out though, I hate pity parties and refuse to go to them when invited.(pisses my girlfriend off to know end because I'll call her out on them)Well that's it for this one, enjoy part two.

The how what and why of plushies

2010-09-07T11:36:00.004-04:00

Well I have been having an interesting few days that have made me realize how important or essential our plushies become to us as ABDLs. It is funny to me that an inanimate object stuffed with flame retardant material could make the world so much easier to deal with. I figured I might as well talk about your plushy and you. For those of you who are unfamiliar, a plushy is a stuffed animal of some sort that has some sentimental or emotional value to you. It's kind of like an accessory to your diaper. Let's say the diapers are the shoes and the plushy is the purse.

I figured I would start by describing what makes a plushy appealing to one person and not to another. From a natural point of view it makes perfect sense for people who are trying to capture that innocent stage of their life to try to mimic it to the best they can. The plushy is a symbol of childhood and thus some will utilize it as part of their role playing. Some people keep one as a reminder of days gone by. From a psychological point of view, people who have been abused, scarred or just harmed in life tend to form transitional objects as it is something that allows them to dissociate from the harm or trauma. The plushy becomes a point of contact in the natural plane that allows the individual to escape from their own thoughts and emotions. The plushy becomes a tool of comfort. I stumbled upon this nice tidbit of info while researching Borderline Personality Disorder. Personally I think it's a little of column A and a little of Column B. As an ABDL you will want to embrace the complete aspect of infancy and many abdls i talk to have some kind of trauma or synaptic misfiring. Either way, there's nothing wrong with having a stuffed animal to either invoke memories of days gone by or to comfort you in times of trouble.

A plushy comes in two varieties for an AB. The first one would be a gift that was given to them which causes sentimental value to be placed on the object, regardless of the personal reflection of the recipient. This could mean that someone who has a natural aversion to teddy bears could have one in particular that is of great importance because their mommy or daddy gave it to them or a chronological/biological relative gave it to them. If asked to choose their own type of plushy, the one they hold dear would not be on their list of preferred style. the other type of plushy is the one you pick on your own. This should be an extension of yourself in some way shape or form or an expression of your individuality. Simply grabbing a teddy bear because it's there is not the way to approach acquiring your own plushy. You should factor in your interests, tastes, quirks and tastes into your choice for a plushy. The plushy you choose should show others who you are and what you're into. This is one of the reasons that despite I not being a teddy enthusiast think that the build a bear workshop

is an awesome place to make your own. Though the place is not my bag of tea in particular, the notion of creating your own plushy down to the last detail is quite a cool idea.

Before I talk about my own plushies and what they mean to me I figured I would talk about what makes for a good plushy, outside of aesthetics. For starters a good plushy should be soft and somewhat malleable. Given whether your in a state of regression or something else, the plushy will get crushed, squished or stepped upon. The softer and more flexible the material, the longer your special friend will survive. Your plushy should also be made of some type of hypo-allergenic or easily cleanable material. It's amazing what baby wipes can clean, however if your plushy is plastic and chunky then you will have some problems. Though I am guilty of this one, be sure your plushy is soft and no sharp edges. I've poked myself in the eye on several occasions because of my plushy. Another key factor here is that you do want a unique plushy that has a story all it's own, you do want to make sure that the plushy is easily replaceable should it be harmed beyond repair. This is especially important for any bigs who are reading this. My little one has a stuffed wolf and if she loses him I am screwed as he is next to impossible to find. My favorite plushy is all his own but easily replaceable at my local toys r us. An item of sentimental value is never truly replaceable, however like your pet goldfish as a chronological kid,, it can be replaced. Unlike the fish, please don';t flush your plushy. Buttons are your own choice, I prefer my plushy to resemble whatever it was supposed to be as closely as it can, however pointy objects, scales and other wires make them less cuddly. My first plushy stig suffers from this conundrum. He has a prehensile tail and the wire makes him less squishy. I think I covered all the basics on that one. Oh except for, make sure you get a pkushy that is the right size for you. Please remember though your a kid at heartm, your body is still an adult and the illusion fades when the stuffed guinea pig is the same size as a real one. Tiny plushies make for poor cuddling. Stig is cool looking but way too small and thus hornswaggle gets top billing in my circle.

Now that I have mentioned two of my own plushies, let me try to explain what they are to me. I guess after much thought I do have to recognize them as transitional objects. I find it weird that I did not have much use for stuffed animals as a chronological child as I used to drag my siamese cat around the house. I have three plushies of my own and they are Stig my scorpion, Sammmy the snake and Hornswaggle the Triceratops. Stig was my first plushy, I got him to be the anti-type as he is a scorpion and not the typical bear or dog. He is cool, however he scares the crap out of my roommate/girlfriend so he sort of just sits there. The other issue with him was that he is too small. I liked how he looks but he is just too tiny to really do anything with. Some of you are aware that my gf is a multiple, meaning multiple personalities in one body and the scorpion terrified the one we call Kate. she is three years old and an awesome kid. Since Kate was terrified of Stig I offered to let her pick out a plushy for me at Toys R us. I got lucky when I took her because they were buy one get one free. The little one picked out Sammy first and then with a little prodding on my part she picked out Hornswaggle. the triceratops seemed to be a perfect fit, second only to an armadillo or ankylosaurus. I always loved dinosaurs as a chronological child and Hornswaggle was cute and menacing looking at the same time. Well maybe not menacing but he was still cool. I showered both Sammy and Hornswaggle with affection until my gf broke sammy's neck while using him as a whip...however that's a story for another day. Sammy sits in the room chilling with Stig. Hornswaggle has accompanied me on a few roadtrips as well as just to run errands. I adore the thing and he's just big enough to be squeezed really tight. Having that right plushy makes a world of difference and his size is just enough to make me feel less like I'm six feet tall and more like a little one when I regress. I believe it to be essential for any aspiring AB to find that right plushy to accessorize your diaper wearing. For my DL friends, sorry the thread went heavily on the AB stuff, however, I don't do too many AB only blogs.

Well I guess that is enough rambling for today. i will end the blog by attaching a picture of the infamous Hornswaggle.
http://flic.kr/p/7J63hM

Tape tearing Teddies and a rant.

2010-08-23T21:14:00.003-04:00

Well I figured I should do a small blog of sorts for August. I would like to do one a week at some point. I don't have a topic in mind so I just figured I'd say a few things.

First and foremost I thought I'd share my thoughts on the new Teddy themed diapers from Bambino. The teddy bear prints are absolutely adorable and I applaud Bambino for offering something that resembles an actual baby styled diaper. The prints are little teddy bears with blue diapers on them. My only thought here would be to offer a girl version of these with maybe a bunny and a pink diaper. The diaper itself seems to be a softer material and feels like a traditional disposable diaper. I personally enjoy the new feel as it feels like a disposable and less like a garbage bag. My only complaint with the product is the new stretch tape technology is extremely flawed. every single one so far has torn off of the diaper itself. I give Bambino the benefit of the doubt and know this issue will be resolved, however for the time being I cannot give their new diaper my endorsement. Once the tapes actually work to an acceptable degree these diapers should be a big hit.

I also thought I'd vent a little in regards to dating and relationships. I am in a situation most ABDL's would relish, i.e. dating someone in the community. My problem is that my relationship is completely one-sided. I am pouring into this individuals life and I don't feel I'm getting anything back. I am a switch and do enjoy diapering a girl and having some daddy time, however I'm a switch and thus have needs in the other direction too. My stress level is through the roof right now and she doesn't get it. She is a very kind person but has a tendency to become a tad self absorbed with her own problems to really be of any support. To add to the insanity she is a plural and thus has six personalities all together. I play second fiddle to their collective needs and am treated like their personal servant. Her entire day centers around being a multiple and at this point despite having a few of my own, I just don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't give a damn if you want to be empowered by your multiplicity. I wish she would Just shut the hell up about it already. I'm not here to play second fiddle. Her mindset is that since I'm unemployed I should do all the housework and take care of her. I've become a slave to her and by extension the rest of them.
As for being 'daddy', I do enjoy it at times, however I spend so much of my time and effort waiting on her adult mode that I don't want to be bothered by her little mode. On top of this, one of the other personalities is in fact a toddler, however she's awesome and I adore her. I don't get any little time or really even proper daddy time. Me being daddy seems to just crop up whenever I ask anything of her and she doesn't want to do it. I honestly don't think she quite grasps how to be in a relationship. I get bitched at constantly about rent from her and one of the other head-mates(personalities). It's bad enough not being employed and feeling like crap for it, I don't need her riding my ass about it either. I enjoy her company and the rest of their company as well, however this relationship is heading back to friend territory. I can't keep neglecting my own needs to meet hers. I care about her and always will, however this may be a case of 'lets just be friends'. I don't know what to do yet, however, something needs to change and I don't just mean her diaper!

Well I'm done for now, just wanted to clear the air. no clue what my next topic will be. Take care everyone.

Who defines who, us or the labels?

2010-07-30T16:04:00.005-04:00

Greetings and salutations everyone,

I frequent several abdl websites and blogs and it seems that no matter where I turn people are arguing over definitions, rules or guidelines as to what is an AB, a DL and so forth. To me this whole argument is just stupid. Who died and made you the grand ruler of all things ABDL or is it AB/DL? Even the damn title for our group isn't even agreed upon. It's quite amusing and harmful to us in the long run. First I'm going to give my take on who I am in all of this and then break down some ideas.

When it comes to who I am, I consider myself a switch. I am a switch on a multitude of levels. First and foremost I am a switch because I am both an AB as well as a DL. Consecutively I am a switch because I like playing daddy and of course being a little. My little side runs far deeper than my daddy side, however I can do both. I never understood why everything has to be one or the other? I enjoy diapers in both a sexual and nonsexual context, along with forced regression in a sexual context and being a little in a nurturing sense. I have deep routed psychological desires to have that someone to be nurturing of me and be by my side as well as an innate desire to be able to provide the same in return. Wearing diapers is and has always been a sexual thing for me. I love seeing my little one in her diaper. I also can easily switch modes and be a nurturing figure to her and the diaper becomes a bond rather than a play thing. I change her, clean her and rub her butt to relax her, like you would an actual baby. I would like the same for me, however I'm not getting into that discussion regarding her right now. Lets just say I have a lot to be desired on that end.
Regarding definitions, titles and what not, there seem to be far too many people trying to push their view as the one and only. I'll start with the various views on what an AB is

Comfort AB- This is one who regresses as a means to cope with stress or simply because it's comfortable.

'True' AB- I find this definition completely hypocritical and pathetic. Somehow these people feel they are the only true AB's because they have an innate desire to be a baby again and view everyone else as just partially AB. Just because you view that you are supposed ton be a baby 24/7 doesn't make you any more legit than someone who has some balance in their life.

Sexual AB- This group is generally disliked in the AB community because their infantilism is a sexual turn on for them. 'm not sure what the big deal is? What if one likes being spanked because they were naughty and the other gets off on it, why does this matter? It's just taking the lifestyle and applying it to only one area.

I do not mean to be harsh on the group that feels they are true AB's, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be 24/7, except when your lifestyle does not afford you to. I just think it is unfair to try to categorize being an AB to only your way of thinking and label everyone outside of that as something else. Being an Adult Baby is something different to each person, for me it encompasses a little bit of all three attributes. I have been told by 'true' Ab's I am just a comfort AB. Who the hell are you to tell me what I am? I do believe that if someone develops their infantile tendencies because of an abusive background then it is a bit more than merely simple comfort. I also have to argue that people with DID or who are just a plural, being an AB is not comfort but rather because they have a child head-mate. This can bleed into the host and thus they're an AB too. Separating the sexual side and making that taboo isn't fair either, sexual play in which the individual is forced to behave in a babyish manner is different than just merely having a diaper fetish. All three of these aspects are unique but all valid of one calling themselves an Adult Baby. Technically the only ones who probably wouldn't carry the classification of an AB are those who strictly enjoy being the 'Big' or adult. I say it's their loss, diapers are awesome.

We also have the Diaper Lover. Now I know the AB community tends to tease them and call them AB's in denial and I was one. I have to laugh because I discovered the community as a strict DL and thought all the AB's were mentally insane. It took about a year of being a DL for my little side to start becoming noticeable. I went from despising a group to becoming and embracing them. A road to Damascus moment if you will. A typical Diaper Lover is one who enjoys wearing but has either not identified or simply does not enjoy anything babyish. there is nothing wrong with this, it's just a different flavor than what the AB's are into. There seems to be an unheeded divide amongst both crowds. Some Dl's are sexual and some are not. there is no such thing as a blanket statement describing what a Diaper Lover truly is.

I'm hoping that some people reading this rethink the notion of setting boundaries and definitions of each sub group and just accept one another as they are. We're all peas in the same pod whether we're AB's, Dl's both, gay, straight, bi, asexual, TG or Cis-gendered. We are a community united in a common bond, i.e. diapers. We should encourage one another to explore this lifestyle the best way we see fit. All I ask is that people stop writing threads on the various websites about shitting themselves in public.

I'm just about done, I just wanted to throw in some food for thought as it would be improper to not take a psychological look at us as a community. My girlfriend is a plural and has her little side and a little. It turns out that I might be a plural(more on that should I ever get confirmation). It just seems like there's a lot we don't understand about ourselves as a community and labeling is never going to help us understand ourselves nor one another. sure there will be weirdos that need to be dealt with, however what is a bag of trail mix without a few fruits and nuts? Just stop worrying about labels and just start reaching out to each other. If you're so closed off to change, you may miss out on something. Besides after 12 hours, we all need a good change.

Till next time folks, may your lives be enriched and your diapers be full.

Dungeons and Dragons...well maybe not dragons but still.

2010-07-08T22:01:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone, I know t's been a good month since my last post however I figured that after what I experienced a couple weeks ago this post was worth creating.

Recently here in Connecticut a little's munch was held at a local dungeon. I have never been involved in anything bdsm related in my life and was absolutely terrified of what I was walking into. That being said the adventure was both intriguing and horrifying. I got to meet a few abdl's here in Connecticut and discover a few things about myself as well.

The event in of itself was attended by a good 20 of us and we held it with non abdl kinksters so we all got to see a wide variety of things. It was a pleasant experience over all as the BDSM community was very different than what I expected. there were a couple of the stereotypical freaks, however the vast majority of the people there were calm, polite and respectful. I ended up having a good conversation regarding dom and sub play while a gentleman was having the ever living shit beat out of him in the corner. The giant chain web looked like fun but the rest of what was going on was not my cup of tea. I did enjoy the electric fly swatter however and discovered that I might like sensory play. I hate pain, it's not a turn on, but a little discomfort can go a long way. I also discovered that my crazy girlfriend is into wax play, however we haven't done anything with that. the funniest part of the ordeal was a device with a locking head restraint caught our attention and before I could say a word, my gf says to me that the device looked like fun to force someone to use a diaper. I just looked at her and smiled.

Dungeons

We had snacks and played games all night, while too very attractive females gave a pointless presentation on Hentai porn. It's animated, it involves tentacle rape, what else is there to know? I passed on that event. I spent the entire night just observing the various shenanigans going on and saw more "play" scenarios than I cared to. The medical room was kind of creepy, however great idea for forced regression or diaper bondage and the whips and such just aren't my thing. The only other abnormality that I witnessed that looked like fun was the pet play. I never thought I'd even find it amusing, however it piqued my curiosity. I'm still no go on pony play or furrydom, however I seem to have a penchant for bondage play. Needless to say I kept my little side at bay and focused on keeping my gf(i.e. my little one) at close reach. I had her and one of her headmates(alternate personalities) switching back and forth all night. Surprisingly, everyone there took it in stride. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to go back to the dungeon and try some things out sometime in the future.

Dragons and other weird stuff

Now to say that everything was great would be an understatement. I had a huge mind screw the entire evening as my sheltered little self has had very minimal exposure to drag queens, transvestites and transsexuals. Of course they all come out of the wood work for one of these events. I'm okay with the TG community, I'm familiar with them, however the other stuff was a bit of an adjustment. the other weird thing was the casual garb or lack there-of. Most of us wore a t-shirt and a diaper during the night, I did until I got random looks from people. Apparently the TV with the fairy costume and giant penis wand was okay but my chicken legged self in a diaper was disturbing? I'm going out on a limb and guessing that they weren't sure if I was Cisgendered, inter sexed or what. Do to some medical conditions I am scrunny and not very hairy so I pass as f2m.(FML) I also saw my fare share of nakedness and not in the way I want. Super models don't frequent the dungeon folks. Again, everyone was so cool and so helpful, but if you're not used to the crowd it can be a bit over whelming. Especially when you're a christian and trained in ministry. This environment is not conducive to what we're normally accustomed to. I consider myself relatively open minded and just went with the flow, taking in the sites and sounds of the evening. My flat diaper wearing ass had a good time and met some cool people.

Over all the night was a blast, I made some friends and helped introduce infantilism to the BDSM community without being a creepy weirdo. People asked questions, I answered and vice-versa. It's good to see that we are being accepted into the BDSM community and are finding comrades in arms. I have to say my take on fetishism changed a bit that night. Albeit much of it is crazy and not my cup of tea, I see nothing wrong with it as long as all parties involved are consensual. the Bible doesn't state what position and method to use, contrary to the Baptists church's thinking and as I told my folks growing up, I'm gonna have the bible on one coffee table and Kama Sutra on the other. Sex is a gift and hey for those of us wanting to have enough fun, it can be explored rightly and adventurously. IO reccomend anyone in the ABDL community whether it be sexual or not, to check out a dungeon at least once. For me the lifestyle is both sexual and non-sexual and the only way I'm going to know what I'm into is to at least check it out. If nothing else I learned what I'm not into and what I'm willing to try. Variety is the spice of life.

Stay safe, happy and diapered my friends, may your bottles be full and your diapers...well that's up to you.

Rants and raves

2010-06-01T11:01:00.003-04:00

Sorry that I have not had an update in quite a bit, however my life has been a bit of a mess as of late so I think today I'm just going to share some random thoughts and frustrations for everyone's amusement. This is going to be very informal so please forgive the paragraph structure.

You know I've been in three relationships in my life and all three have been insane in some variant degree. I'm like catnip for insanity. Currently I'm dating a Pokedex and her skull is apparently a pokeball. When I met her she was aware of one alter and now we're up to six. I don't mind meeting each alter as I find the whole concept fascinating, however at some point this is going to be too much for me to handle. As it is, everything is about her, she can't help it, people in her condition ted to be fixated on themselves.

She keeps telling me how much she loves me and I really do care about her but I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this. What kind of life can I live when I have to worry about whether or not the 12 year old or two year old is going to decide she wants "me" time as I prepare to go on a business trip or something along those lines? I am not okay with letting her mental problems consume my life. I'm her 'daddy' and do enjoy taking care of her, but I'm a switch at heart and I can't just ignore my little side. I can't spend my every waking moment consumed with her. I'm fighting a losing battle at two fronts here and unlike her, I don't have someone I can turn to.

Speaking of business trips, finding work has become a joke. I have applied to everything and anything that I might be remotely qualified for and can't get anywhere with a single company I don't know if this is an omen or what but I can't deal with being piss poor anymore. Hell I can't even afford to partake in the few things that do bring me joy in life.(i.e. the abdl stuff). The funny thing(well actually quite sad) is I am being told that my college degree has become a penalty against me. I keep being told at interviews that "our Company want career oriented people, someone who wants to do this the rest of their life. We feel that your degree indicates you want to work in communications and it may interfere with your job here." My problem is that the second I look at a manager the wrong way or if I fart in the elevator my ass is tossed out the door, yet you want my loyalty!!!!??? No! Life does not work that way, or at least it shouldn't.

It seems that people just accept this kind of garbage as a reasonable existence and I simply can't. I am sick to my stomach at the thought of being a mindless grunt my entire life. I hate the corporate world, hate customer service and refuse to become my father and work in some assembly plant my entire life. I see nothing wrong with people who enjoy this stuff, I don't enjoy it It is a miserable existence to me, you do not become rich by making someone else richer.

I want to work in the entertainment industry in some capacity. I want to create, express and have fun while making money, I cannot do this is a suit and tie at a desk. I want people to know my name, I'm tired of being looked at as inferior. Love me or hate me, I want you to know me. I also want to help people, not help rip them off. I need work, but I don't want to do something that I'm just going to be miserable doing and end up getting myself ousted again. I have a habit of subconsciously getting myself in trouble when I'm frustrated.

I recently started a discussion over on dailydiapers regarding littles and DID and the thread was a mixed bag, mainly because everyone got defensive. I personally don't blame them, I didn't intend to call everyone crazy, I was just questioning myself. I know I have issues but I am not sure to what extent. I feel very fragmented most of the time, not in the same way as my girlfriend but rather that I hop through emotional states and am never quite sure why or how I feel. I tend to have sudden bursts of rage and other things, which makes me believe that I may have a mild form of Borderline Personality Disorder. From what I read online I guess I'd be considered High functioning and inward, meaning I can function in the real world and live a considerably decent life and I don't lash out at people, just internally. I don't want excuses for who and what I am, it bothers me that so many people use their issues as an excuse. My gf has OCD and when I tell her to pick up her trash, the OCD/hoarding becomes an excuse and this pisses me off. I've managed to come this far in my life without making excuses or justifying my behavior with an illness so why the hell is everyone else able to just be a pain in the ass with theirs? I've been physically ill since the day I was born and never have sought pity or made an excuse using it. Obviously I'm skrunny and weak so when people tell me to work out, I explain the hormone deal to them and they either grasp it or don't. I have tried working out, I just keep making an ass of myself. Hell even the diabetes I laughed at, it's just like hey lets add more sprinkles to the shit sundae. The only reason I would even consider going to a shrink would be to confirm a diagnosis and maybe some tips for dealing with various things. I want to keep myself under control as people with BPD can develop various Dissociative disorders, usually just DDNOS. On a side note for my AB friends, transitional objects are common for people with BPD and DID. Not that this means anything, just found it amusing. Since I talk to my little side in the same way my gf deals with her alters she pokes fun at me saying I have an alter. I don't think that's the case, I think it's more along the lines of just being accustomed to her approach, however I don't really know. There is switching where the host will have what is called an amnesic barrier, i.e. blacking out. I don't black out, thankfully, I fear if I ever did, I'd end up reenacting the entire move "Falling Down". Even during my abusive childhood I always wondered what would happen if I ever hit a boiling point, a catalyst. I tend to just absorb things now and not react, I know that can't be good because it ends up festering on the inside. I often feel ugly on the inside as one minute I am concerned for someone and the next I am infuriated with them. I am unhappy when I should be happy. I get angry when friends who are half as intelligent as me get ahead when I should just be happy for them. I don't really care when family members die but if the cat dies I'm upset. I really don't know how to react in a lot of situations so I usually just make jokes.

0
I do my best to be of assistance to other people who are either weak or hurting. Part of that is just in my nature and part of it is my faith. My problem is that it's like a festering wheel of perpetuation that I'm always pouring into others and I don't have that person to receive from. As much as I am switch, since I enjoy daddying on occasion, I know I need that person I can fall back upon when I just can't take it. As of right now I don't have that person. There are so many times I just want to curl up and let go but I really can't and it's frustrating.

Okay I'm done ranting, I just need to clear my mind, it's a mess right now as you can tell from how disorganized the paragraphs structure is. I feel a bit better and I'm sure Im not the nly one out there dealing with a lot on his/her plate.

Who's you're Daddy?!

2010-04-21T09:25:00.003-04:00

Well I promised my friends in Jersey that I would provide an updated blog posting this week and as much as I want to discuss the intricacies of ABDL gatherings and the proper rules of etiquette for first timers, I am going to save that for another blog. I recently had the pleasure of attending an overnight gathering in Jersey with the 'Jersey Little's munch' group and I would like to say that I had a blast and this just topped off an already interesting weekend.

You may be asking what the title of this blog has to do with anything...well I'm getting to that part. I have been close with a fellow abdl for a few months now and recently the self professed lesbian has confided in me that she likes me and after a bit of a talk we decided to give a relationship a try. On a side note, nothing makes a man feel like a God quite like wooing a lesbian. The ironic thing was she asked if there was a title guys had for a fellow man who turns a lesbian back? My answer was, "Man of the Year"! Technically, she's bisexual, however I can work with that. Being that I am a switch in the abdl community she has asked me to be her daddy. Now I am a bit perplexed and flattered. I am perplexed since I am a switch and can't always do the daddy thing consistently, it's just not in me. I am flattered that she likes me enough to ask me to do this for her.

I have no problem making a good faith effort in our relationship and hope for the best, however, I'm not sure where this will lead in the long run. I have learned at this stage in my life to not look so far down the road that you miss what you have right in front of you. My biggest problem that I foresee is that I'm not really sure how to do the whole 'daddy' thing. I am not very authoritative and I can imagine how much my little one is going to test me. I find the whole thing adorable and when she calls me daddy it's just awesome. I have no problem changing her, however I'd like to get to the point where she'll return the favor and personally am afraid that I'm going to be crewed over in regards to my own needs. I don't like sounding self centered, however, I know what I need in life and have to keep everything in perspective. Too many times people become miserable because they are either too focused or too neglectful of their own needs for the sake of others.

As of right now, my baby girl and I haven't really laid any ground rules and are kinda playing it by ear as to what we like and don't like. I understand her past and what will cause psychological triggers for her, so I don't want to be a harsh disciplinarian with her. I can't really confine her to an enclosed space as she's a bit of a claustrophobic and because of abuse she is terrified of being held down. thankfully I'm enough of a sub that I can handle an aggressive woman. I never did quite understand why guys don't like when a girl is on top(sorry don't mean to be gross, it just seems to be an observation I've seen through the years). There are other issues that complicate things right now, however those are not ones that I wish to share. My biggest concern before agreeing to the relationship was that I wasn't going to let this ruin our friendship should things not work out.

I am open to suggestions or ideas as to what I can do with her as a daddy and little relationship. I may not be a "true" daddy, however, I want to do the best I can for her while in this relationship. I don't want to do anything that is going to physically hurt her, however, I want her and I to have some fun and explore the gambit of age play. I know cribs and play pens are out and I'm pretty sure if I try a high chair I'm going to lose a few pieces of my anatomy so I guess it's all trial and error and open dialogue for our relationship. Well folks, wish me luck and I'll talk to you all later.

Ciao.

50,000 little....

2010-03-29T10:07:00.002-04:00

I'm not really even sure what direction to go with this blog post, however it seems that on this most recent occasion my inner child woke up and was very upset. I'm not even sure what to call or how to refer to my little side since my only exposure to another little is my roommate. She has Dissociative Identity Disorder, which used to be correctly referred to as Multiple personality disorder. Her little self is actually an entirely separate entity within her. I can't really base myself off of that model as I have just me living in my head.(thank God) I've never been able to regress on my own, however I can tell when that part of me gets upset. Usually it turns into loneliness and evolves into jealousy. I tend to take on a big brother role with my roommate(I don't feel right calling myself 'daddy' as I'm not that aggressive/assertive with her, more protective) and for some reason last night my little side was upset that she gets all the attention and I didn't have anyone and then that just derailed into an emotional mess all night. Usually when I'm having a down moment I just sleep it off, however,heartburn and unreasonably warm room temperature was preventing me from doing so. I've had a similar experience like the one last night happen once before while I was volunteering overnight at a local homeless shelter. The physical effect it took on me was a bit stronger at the shelter than last night, however, they were similar none-the-less.

I am not liking these mood swings at this stage in my life. I've dealt with depression in the past for quite a few years without ever seeking medical attention. At that point in my life I had a "coming to Jesus" moment, which helped ease a lot of things and at least based on my faith I believe that the Lord delivered me from my depression. My faith teaches us that God will never give us more than we can handle, however my own personal take on things in my faith is that to be whole as a person, God will allow us to face our inner turmoil and confront it. Simply delivering someone from a trial without them learning anything from it would be foolish from a parental let alone Deity stand point. Over the last few years several things have not gone the way I imagined they would and slowly a lot of symptoms have returned, along with a few new ones. All I can surmise from some information I obtained online is that I may have what is called "Borderline Personality Disorder". I don't quite fit every symptom but I know based on how I treat other people and myself that I fit a good part of it. I've never understood or embraced self mutilation, I always thought that it was just completely idiotic. I do find that I put myself in situations or agree to do things that I would otherwise never do because I either don't care anymore or I just want someone's approval. I don't want that part of myself bleeding over into my little side. I find my little self in differing moods, obviously, since it's still me, however, no matter what is going on or how I feel I'm always angry inside or frustrated. I keep telling myself that whenever I make it big, everything will be alright, however I don't even know if that's the case anymore. It is illogical for me to be angry about situations or circumstances I can't change. I am tired of always feeling angry and wanting to lash out at people and then feeling guilty for having the previous feelings. I'm tired of waging war within myself between my inner child and my angry old man.

I have on rare ocassion silenced my bitter side and have come close to regressing. It happened one day when I was in a good mood and I knew my inner child was awake and while flipping through the channels I went past spongebob and found myself just shouting sponge bob like a small kid(in my head, not externally). I sort of just zoned out while watching cartoons a bit that afternoon and really wanted to just run around the house. I know the ability to regress and embrace that part of me is there, it's just I have all this emotional baggage in the way and I'm at the point where I'm tired of dealing with it. I've gotten tired of having to always be strong for other people while I feel like I'm slowly dieing inside. I look in the mirror and see this angry, cynical, mess and realize I don't want to be that way, however all I ever experience is that side of people. I love my roommate as a little sister but damn everything is always about her, I find that I try to be giving of myself but people are always self centered and it infuriates me. I am finding it's hard to meet the needs of others when your own aren't being met. I need to address this sooner or later before I accidentally lash out at people I care about in frustration. I can't keep telling myself I'll be fine by myself, you can't go from the type of childhood I had and just keep accepting neglect as all there is.

Again I had no clue where this blog was headed, I thought it would be more about my little side, however it appears that it's not. Although I guess it could be since it's all the same frustrations. I'm sure in a couple of hours I'll be upbeat and perky, I swear sometimes it's almost like being bipolar except it's between angry and content and not happy and sad. I can still find things to make me relatively happy even when I'm down and out. I'm too stubborn to quit however I am growing tired of having no one to turn to. Well enough of a pity party on my end, I hate when people do these types of blogs and here I am doing it. I guess this is somewhat therapeutic, I;m feeling a little bit better getting some of this stuff off my chest.

Putting the Comm in community

2010-03-22T13:37:00.003-04:00

Well I haven't written for about a month and in all honesty I haven't really had a lot on my mind in regards to ABDL stuff. The only interesting thing that happened recently is meeting up locally with another ABDL as well as meeting up with a group in Jersey. Oh, and I bought a onsie. It's plain white with the snap crotch. I got it on http://www.fetware.com if anyone is interested.

I am noticing a trend within our community that needs to be addressed. There seem to be so many abdls that are alone and desire to meet other abdls, however, once a meeting is suggested everyone runs and hides. We as a community need to be supportive of each other and stop trying to be so secluded. Particularly if your a sub/little you are not going to thrive flying solo, it's against your nature. the same goes for the mommies and daddies, you're not going to find someone wallowing in self pity. It's time to stop being so afraid and actually embrace one another.

I have taken it upon myself to do what I can to gather as many of us in the community here in Connecticut together to develop some friendships and hopefully a bond. I've been successful on a very small level and despite the lackluster numbers, I think it is awesome that those who have come are no profoundly much happier having made other abdl friends. I met my roommate through the first meet-up I organized. I understand the fear and stigma we all face when it comes to meeting other abdls, i had them too. I was petrified of meeting the "Creepy mouth breather" or the "overzealous pervert" or the "over the top Sissy" or even the "pedovan driver". I was honestly afraid of waking up in the back of someone's van by the end of the day. I can atest that these types of fears are all unfounded. not that we should all be blindly trusting, that would be ludicrous, however, we should be willing to put our guard down enough to at least embrace one another. Now I do have to throw this out there that the guys in the community need to chill out and stop pestering the women if we ever expect them to come out to meet ups. It is unreasonable to expect a mommy or little girl to have to field a relentless barrage of "go out with me" requests. There's an art to seduction which seems to be lost on the internet.

I found my most recent meeting with another local ab to much more relaxing for myself. I felt bad and had to laugh because my roommate and myself were at a local mall waiting for him to show up and we knew it was him a mile away. No, not from a diaper showing or anything that would bring unwanted attention to the community, it was simply that he looked like a nervous wreck. We've all been there, it's okay to be nervous meeting others. I just find it fruitless to be so afraid of being oued that people choose to wallow in misery and loneliness.

A couple weeks ago I had the privilege of attending a munch in the state of New Jersey with about 18-20 other abdls. This was the first larger gathering I ever attended as well as being the first time I ever changed myself in public.(not gonna focus on that one right now though, lol.) We met up in the town of Sussex at a local diner where we ate and talked to each other. From there we went to a local museum that was built upon an old mining facility. We planned out an entirely normal day of events, nothing that would scream "we're freaks!" We all had a blast and had some great conversations. My personal favorite was when an older gentleman asked if I fed my roommate in a highchair? I almost fell over laughing at that one, not that I was against the idea, just that I'm pretty sure my roomie despite being an ab would probably kick my in the nuts if I tried to put her in a highchair. The other thing I found cute was everyone assuming I was her Daddy. I mean I'm a switch, however I didn't think I came off as a good 'daddy' so that made me feel pretty good. As for my roomie, I consider us more of a big brother, little sister combo. I got to have a good time just meeting other people who shared similar interests. We simply got together and communicated and suddenly everyone realized that a.) they're not alone and b.) everything will be okay. I managed to meet a few old timers who shared a bit of wisdom along with a very fun school teacher. It was an absolute blast simply meeting and talking with other abdls for a few hours. Nothing horrifying happened, we were smart and held our meetings in public and made some connections. This is a very simple concept. Heck it even emboldened me to take one of my plushies out in public. The group got to meet Hornswaggle, my triceratops.

On a side note, the curator at the museum made the whole trip special by making an innocent remark that bore a whole new meaning with our community. While talking about Franklin Ore( a local mineral only found in that location, she looked at the group and said "For those who are adults......" we all started laughing a bit and the poor curator had no clue why. One of the individuals with us was a Little Girl 24/7 and played the part perfectly.

It is very simple to meet up with other ABDLs and also very much a necessity to the health and well being of the community to do so. I talk to so many people online who are depressed or lonely or miserable simply because they don't have anyone they can relate to in the community. The problem is the second I suggest to them what to do the excuses start flowing faster than pee through a leaky depends. If you want to be happy and not so lonely then it is time we put the Comm(unicate) back in Community.

Into the looking glass

2010-02-23T20:30:00.003-05:00

Well this is post is more personal than anything else as it is allowing me to put to paper what I've been feeling for quite some time. I feel very worn out emotionally, physically and mentally. I've spent many years just fighting within myself as many of the barriers I have placed in my life years ago are slowly crumbling. I feel like a warrior who is worn in battle. When I close my eyes I tend to see various visions.

The first one I see is a worn torn sailor who is stranded at sea upon a small crag like structure, i.e. a cliff. The sea is raging while waves over take the sailor crashing into the rocks. Meanwhile the skies are storming, lightning, thunder, heavy rains and winds. Everything is coming down on this individual as he, presumably me is clinging to the rock, pulling himself to his feet and shouting at the night sky. The wind and waves crash down again continuously trying to overtake the individual, however, he does not give up, never letting go of the rock.

I get this one, it's my life and circumstances trying to over take me and the rock I am assuming is my faith. I have seen enough things in this life to just give up and say screw it, but there's this fire within me that refuses to go quietly, refusing to be overtaken.

The next vision I tend to see when I close my eyes is of a knight in Armor hunched over holding himself up with his sword. The knight is soaked, armor slightly rusted and worn out. There is a beach front behind the knight as he is standing at the edge of a forest with large trees full of brush. The knight is physically exhausted and alone, wanting to just collapse but his sense of duty will not let him do so. The knight is standing before an unseen enemy and is trying to muster the strength for battle however is struggling to hold himself up. The knight will not surrender but can only take the attack as he is unable to lift his sword.

This one seems to be how I feel at most times. I am tired, lonely and battle worn, however there are so many who depend on me for support that even in my state I must go on to 'save' them. I reach out too far to help those who are weak to the point where I am making myself vulnerable.

I have another vision when I close my eyes of a small child in the dark, lost and confused. the child is just standing there, sometimes sobbing however almost always lonely. The child seems very small and frail, looking around periodically for attention, a hug or some basic affection. There are times where in the background will be a wave of consuming fire behind the child with glowing eyes and within the flame a mouth of sorts, as if to consume.

This I believe is a manifestation of my inner child or the essence of my purer self. I am pretty sure that the loneliness is just a common theme, I wasn't a popular or well liked child.. I am going to guess that the fire is either corruption, my anger or something else I haven't quite figured out yet. This one didn't happen until I discovered my ab side, it's as if I awoken something within myself.

The next one is me as I am now red skinned with glowing eyes and a malevolent grin. Through my skin there is a constant black and red fire consuming me. This individual seems to be seething with rage and the fire is always burning. There seems to be past hurts occasionally playing in the background. The creature is causing destruction all around and at times there seems to be a tree branching out of it. The creature often tends to warp reality around it.

Yeah this one has to be my darker half, my pain and frustrations, the part of me that tends to sabotage who I am. This has to be the manifestation of the part of me that gets enraged, jealous, frustrated and bitter about life. As for the twisting, knotting tree branching out of the creature, I'm at a loss there.

This seems to be the part of me that I wage war with the most, I tend to not act on it but I tend to be consumed by it internally. I always feel horrible for having these thoughts or when I do lash out at people. Sometimes I just stop and ask myself why am I so bitter? I don't feel that this is a proper reflection of who I am but I'm not exactly sure who I am most of the time. I am slowly figuring out what I believe and why I believe it rather than just believing and doing what is expected. I seem to be struggling to embrace my inner child and find that balance within myself. I tend to fly off the handle at times or let people walk all over me for the sake of not being alone. I have a warrior's spirit with the body of a diseased poet, go figure. Well that's it for now, just thought I'd clear my head a bit.

The art of regression

2010-02-23T19:45:00.003-05:00

Well I figure it's time to write another blog and figured this time I'd explore the world of regression. This is a subject that I still haven't quite grasped the ability to do, however a general exploration might do some good.

The first type of regression that catches my eye is what is called "forced regression". This type of regression tends to be sexual in nature and is a common theme amongst age players, abdl and not. the basic premise of this one is one of the individuals is being forced to act a certain age, lets say a grown man being 'forced' to act as a helpless toddler while the mistress takes care of him. As for ABDL concerns are, this type of regression is more suited for Dl's and AB's with a sexual side, such as myself. Personally I find forced regression to be a total turn on and a way to explore a side of infantilism that I wouldn't normally on my own There is something about being forced to depend on someone else that is a huge turn on for me, probably relating to trust issues in my own life. There isn't so much of the nurturing in this role as much as there is dominance and discipline. If this isn't part of your repertoire I am going to suggest at least trying it.

The other form of regression is the age play regression. This regression is a bit different as it can be sexual or not be sexual depending on the individual parties involved. In this form of regression a willing participant will regress to a mindset and behavior of that of a child or infant while the other participant will take the role of a parent. There are no specific rules to this engagement however dedicated age player will commit to their role as much as possible, i.e. dependence on food, changing and attention. Depending on the ages involved attire may include diapers or may not. Typically clothing, and paraphernalia will match desired age range. Since this is an ABDL blog I'll stick to us folks.

The question always comes up in regression of first how and then what. I'll address the latter here. What ideally do you want to do a proper regression session?
1.) Mommy or daddy
2.) Diapers
3.) Bottles
4.) pacifier
5.) Wipes
6.) Clothes, i.e. footie pajamas, rompers, onsies and such.
7.) Baby powder
8.) Plushy
9.) Toys
What kinds you get of these are all up to you. The obvious key is diapers and a mommy or daddy. Typically the arrangement is predetermined between the two parties.

Now the bigger question that baffles me is the how to regress? It sounds simple enough, put on a diaper and start cooing, however getting yourself into the proper mindset is quite difficult. I have been unable to really discover my inner little. I know he's there, as he occasionally rears his head, however I haven't ever been able regress completely. I'm also not in an environment where regressing is all that feasible as the only other ab I know is not a switch and has DID so the little is literally a separate personality. I have a hard time really being trusting with people. That's probably part of the appeal of regression for me, having no control and being forced to trust someone. I would recommend at least getting some good diapers as I do sport bambinos along with a nuk and all that jazz. I do what I can to explore this part of myself, however until I find my partner I'm afraid I cannot explore my total self. I would really like to just find who I am and tear down the various barriers I have set up during my childhood till now.

I have a ton of the essential items, diapers, bottle, nuk 5 a plushy and of course wipes and powder; I just struggle to find and embrace my inner child. I seem to be emotionally torn between my inner child who wants to be loved, held and cuddled and my inner angry old man who is obviously angry and bitter at the world. On rare occasion I can silence the anger and frustration within myself and hear my inner child. It seems to be that last bastion of innocence within each of us and albeit it's still part of me, I can't fully regress. I'm quite terrified to do so around people and expose myself(not that way you perverts, lol). I have never been able to really just be myself around people, always putting on a show, typically back when I suffered from depression, I'd hide it from people. It seems as though the years of masking and adapting my personality have taken their toll as who I really am seems to be somewhere buried amongst a jumbled mess. Anyways that's a different story all together.

So what seems to be a basic concept is in fact quite deep and beautiful when done properly. I have little sat before for my AB friend with DID and it's absolutely adorable, however yeah I call myself a switch but in all honesty I yearn for that affection which I cannot seem to have. Regression is a fun and beautiful thing however it can be complicated and with a little bit of guidance it can bring a lifetime of amusement. That's all for this blog today people, take care.

Diapers on parade

2009-12-09T00:14:00.003-05:00

This blog is going to be short and sweet. I'm just going to list my thoughts on various diapers from the worst to the best. Enjoy

7.) Store brand/depends
Okay these simply suck beyond all measure. My bed sheets absorb more than these things do. If you are an aspiring abdl, avoid these like the plague.

6.) Tena
These diapers tend to be a paper/cloth backed disposable and for the most part they aren't bad. They aren't very fun to enjoy, however if you're shy about being an abdl then these diapers will allow for discreet wearing while in a public setting. I wore these to work a few times however I never wet because of thefear of them leaking. The tena supers hold pretty well, except the more pee, the more they tend to want to fall off.

5.) Attends
These diapers are a great "just for the sake of wearing" diaper. they have a nice crinkle factor and can hold one flooding at a maximum. the absorbency isn't great however if you are into doing other things to yourself whilst diapered then these can be a lot of fun. My biggest complaints with these are the low absorbency and the tapes suck so much on these diapers.

4.) Tranquility ATN
I love these diapers to pieces. These diapers come with a fitted waist which makes them a fantastic fit, these diapers will always fit nice and snug to your contours every time. To describe their absorbency is a little misleading. I love these diapers not because of how much they can hold but for how the diaper responds to wetting. This diaper swells up something fierce as you wet and if you do it just right the entire piece can swell right up on you which makes for an awesome feeling. The only drawback to this diaper is that they don't hold quite that much urine as the top three do. I usually can get maybe three urinations in this diaper before changing.

3.) Molicare Super plus
These bad boys are fantastic for wearing around the house or in public without fear of leaking. The diapers hold about 2-4 good soakings before needing to be changed and the big bonus is the leg guards strecth a bit as you pee so you don't get the leaking out the sides as easy. The downfall of this diaper is that it will leak out the backside if your on your back and flood, as well as the tapes do not refasten. Once you attach the white tape do not try to refasten or you will tear the diaper to shreds. My other complaint is that this diaper is extremely emasculating with being bright purple. Of course being an AB that isn't always a big deal.

2.) Abri-from X-plua
Not that this diaper being on the list should be a shocker to anyone, however you may be asking why isn't it number one? Well it would have been number one up until a couple weeks ago. The x-plus is a beautiful diaper in the amount it holds ad overall fit. The diaper comes in white and the tapes are slightly more flexible than the molicare. I also like how more babyish this diaper feels compared to the molicare as well. The abriform holds about the same as the molicare while holding the oppsite issue. The x-plus leaks from the sides and not so much out the back. My one gripe with the x-plus is the tapes will tear off at the slightest tug. Okay maybe not the slighest but I've torn more tapes off than I can count.

1.) Bambino
If this was a shocker than you haven't been in the abdl scene long enough. As of this posting, Bambinos are the best adult baby diaper on the market. I have both the Bianco(baby prints) and classico(plain white) and they work identically. This diaper will hold a lot of urine and if you try one of their booster pads you are in for a treat. This diaper is great for age play, humiliation and punishment. This diaper can take a beating in the capacity realm before giving way. These diapers will leak if you flood them just the right way though. I only had this happen once and it was one of those waking up at 4am with your bladder ready to burst types of pees. The good news is that with regular usage i.e. peeing when you have to rather than massive flooding, you can go 3-6 urinations before needing a change. Now I have two complaints regarding the bambinos. They can fit awkwardly if you have no butt and slim hips and the tapes can be a bit bothersome at times. If they are wrinkled slightly they can come off during the night, however if you're like me you'll just staple the damn things. The baby prints are absolutely adorable too.

Overall these are my preferred diapers ranking from least favorite to my most favorite. I know I didn't hint much at how "ab"ish the diapers were and all that jazz. I'm new to the whole AB subculture as most my diaper experiences come from a DL flavor. I do have to say that the Bambs and the ATN's hit the best of both worlds in regards to being an AB and a DL I recommend the bambinos to anyone since they hold for so long that it causes less interruptions while "at play" Well that's all for now, hope you enjoyed the read and learned something. Take care.

Don't even know how to express myelf

2009-12-09T00:01:00.002-05:00

For the longest time I've felt this inner angst that I don't really even know how to express. The feeling seems very sporadic and unfocused. It's like an intense pang of loneliness. I think part of it is just a desire to find a mate, particularly an abdl one. I've always felt alone, and thus from my craptastic childhood I have put up barriers within myself that appear to be weakening. I look at my ab side as more of a way to address certain parts of my self where I struggle. It seems that I need that supportive role in my life that I never had. I don't want someone to wait on me hand and foot however there are obvious underlying issues within myself that I'm going to have to deal with. Oh well, life's a journey and I'm stuck exploring it. I just wish I was better able to figure out my emotions.

Come to the darkside-we have cookies

2009-11-20T19:28:00.002-05:00

Well I officially decided to take a slight plunge towards the AB side of the coin and expirement with a pacifier. It was actually a gift given to me by a friend who I met at a recent abdl gathering that I started. The pacifier I have is one designed for six months and up. It's a tad small but hey it was free and freedollars is the best price you can get. I was quite curious for a while about trying the pacifier however I kept balking at the fear I might like it.

That being said, I've actually come to enjoy sucking on that thing. It's quite embarassing looking to see a grown man with one in his mouth, however I'm a raver at heart so not all that shocking. The pacifier has a basic blue backing and the little sucky thing, yes that's the technical term, is a bit small however I've come to find the pacifier quite soothing and a great way to relive stress. The pacifier is turning out to be quite the pleasant expreience. I'm just kind of scared as to where that'll lead. I'm not really into the stickers, bottles and all that baby stuff.

I don't consdier myself a true "AB" as I'm in it more for the forced regression. I'm not sure why that turns me on, must be relating to trust and control issues I've had since I was a kid. I am thinking of enhancing my play time by tieing sme strings through the breathing holes and making it like a gag or just getting an actual NUK 5 so it fits properly. Either Way this should be a fun adventure.

AS my title suggests, I'm slowly making my way to the darkside. Next thread will be about my views on diapers. Ciao folks.

Another jaded weekend

2009-10-17T15:54:00.004-04:00

Well another week goes by and I'm going nowhere. I find the pursuit of romance to be complete;y fruitless and find myself become further jaded with each day. I find that I only look forward to the few times during the week when I care wear in peace. I hate my job and therefore really hate where my life is at right now.

There is something dreadful about working customer service when you have a reasonably high iq. Not that I'm a genius, I mean 137 isn't earth shattering, however the type of work I do only requires an iq of about 80. My problem is most of my co-workers fit the latter. I find it unbearable to listen to people complain about their finances and about how long the wait time is and other benign nonsense. What makes matters worse is that I have to act stupid just survive. I understand how banking works, I understand how mastcard works, however if I have any questions I get an idiotic non-answer from the management. Every day I go to work I seem to die a little more inside. I cannot wait to find something in my field.

Now things get more complicated as an old flame suddenly reappeared in my life today. She's not as cute as she was six years ago when we went out, however, my boys are so blue right now it doesn't really matter. The thing is she was my first "ex" so she is sort of special, yet she broke my heart. The thing is it is probably for the best since she is bipolar and all sorts of fucked up, to be blunt. She sounds like she is trying to get her life together, however I've heard this all before. I have my morals to stand by, as much as I'd like to be promiscuous, she has the repuation for being a notorius whore. Not that she is a horrible person, she's just a bit messed up, however she is very aggressive and may be one of the few people who may actually embrace the fetish.(I never really felt right calling this a lifestyle) I'm kinda stuck trying to figure out which head to think with.

I don't want to be used again, nor do I want to get hurt and at least so far she hasn't made any moves other than some verbal cues. I'm just going to wing it and see what happens. I don't want to make the wrong decisions because I couldn't keep my hormones in check. Man this sucks, I want to enjoy my life regardless of whatever is going on around me, however I haven't quite gotten there in my spirituality yet. I need to take it easy and just be patient.

Well I'm doe for today and I think I'm gonna get "changed" and relax. No sense in wracking my nerves over things beyond my control. Oh yeah, before I forget, am I the only person who finds the new Taco Bell advertisement hysterical?

The abnormality known as me.

2009-09-19T22:13:00.003-04:00

Alright here's my first foray into writing about being an abdl. Heck I'm not even sure if I fit in with the abdl scene. I like wearing diapers and I am curious about certain aspects of the adult baby side of the coin. I guess I would have to consider myself about 80% dl and 20% ab. I try to tell myself that being an abdl is no big deal, I'm still normal. Then I realize that I'm not normal, never have been and never will be.

First of all, I'm a christian, that in of itself scares people. Not that they have any reason to be however given the stereotype portrayed by the media, I can understand why. I often question if being an abdl is wrong, or a sin. I have settled upon the basic premise of putting God first in all things and only if this fetish interferes with my walk then and only then will it be an issue. I mean there are certain standards set in scripture and I'm cool with that, however I refuse to be bound by other people's conjectures or opinions. On that note I am very private with my fetish as I don't want to upset people who may have an issue with it. I don't really care what they think however as a Christian I respect where they may be at in their walk. I'm not out to cause another person to stumble, however I have accept who I am before I can truly understand what I am.

Secondly, my health is a constant reminder that I have never been normal. Normal people didn't need to take medicine just to go through puberty. Yeah that's right, I take a wonderful substance called androgel. Essentially the medicine is synthetic testosterone, you know the stuff all the baseball players keep getting caught with. Nver mind the emotional and mental toll of being a teenager, add this to the equation and you get an instant, "fuck me". I hated my childhood, constantly being sick. Ear problems, eye problems, issues with my hypothalamus; yeah who doesn't want that?

Now add Diabetes to the equation and I am just baffled. I often wonder if the reason I have this fetish is because it takes you back to the only time in your life when there were no problems or at least to a point where you were unaware of your problems. I handled the diabetes quite well when diagnosed however as time has gone on the constant stomach aches and the inability to eat what I enjoy, has taken a toll on me and at this point I'm just tired. I see no point in talking about it as this accomplishes nothing except making some egotistical jack ass slightly richer. I just trudge along at this point making the best of the world around me. I usually just laugh at everything.

My childhood sucked, as I already hinted at. I'm not going to go long on this point. I just find it intriguing that the more abdls I talk to the more an abusive past seems to be a common thread. Does this mean we need therapy or is it a random statistic? My parents, God bless them, had their own abuses as kids so the cycle just continued. I have since forgiven them however I'm not God; I can choose to forgive them however I cannot forget all the shit I went through. I often wonder how much I sabotage myself because of the way I think or view the world around me. I also question how much of who I am is directly related to my past. Ultimately I find it futile to dwell on the what could have been. I can only deal with the here and now and try to lay the foundation for the future.

In the end I have more questions than answers however I have come to the conclusion that normality is over-rated. Heck, what is normal anyways? I enjoy wearing a diaper and the comfort it brings after a stressful day. I like the idea of bondage and submission, so what? I deserve to be happy, do I not? I find wearing to be arousing and would love a woamn to role play with. I have taken the first step to discovering my complete self. I'm proud to be an ABDL. I've been abnormal my entire life and at this point, screw you and your normality. I am ABDL!